The indignity of Goldfish poo

Goldfish are the aristocrats of the fish world.

In terms of pecking order they're pretty much at the top, which is why it's very, very, very funny, that when they make poo, kit trails behind them for up to four times their length.

I mean, can you really imagine, do you have any inkling whatsoever the embarrassment that must accompany having a shit that's five times longer than your own body for the whole world, which in the case of a goldfish is really just the whole fish tank, to see.

If would be difficult if the goldfiosh were not an aristo. If the goldfish were a normal, blokey fish like the bottom feeder, which is the fish equivalent of a cross between a bin man and one of those council workers that cleans graffiti off underpasses with a jet washer.

If those fish did the equivalent of thirty foot poops they'd just employ the classic bloke mentality.

"Oi, Nipper. Check out this shit. That's got to be a personal best that. That's a monster"

"Way!"

"Way"

"High five"

"Er. can't do high fives mate. I've only got tiny little pectoral fins I'm afraid."

"alright, alright. Don't get all hoioghty toighty with me mate. Bloody pectoral fins. Who does he think he is. Ideas above his bloody station that one"

They might say to one another.

However, the lot of the long poo is not destined for the bottom feeder such as the Cory Catfish which emits perfect pellets of poop from his tiny little fish anus hole.

No sir.

The long poop destiny awaits the goldfish who is particularly nonplussed and embarrassed about all the lesser fish of the tank seeings his ablutions.

That's why in aquariums you often hear

(ultra posh voices) "Er..... mate"

"Yes, mate":

"Errr, have you done number two's recently"

"Yes, mate, about half an hour ago, why do you ask?"

"Well....errrr...mate......it's just that you have....errrrrr.....a 30 foot......adjusted to human scale......pooo fixed to the end of your anus"

"Oh mate! Not again. I was just over there putting in a bit of quality time with that new goldfish and I thought she was looking over my shoulder, I thought nothing of it"

Of course, the worst part of all of it is that what with Goldfish having a seven second memory and all they keep forgetting they've done the poo, so they get annoyed and disgusted about the poo and then swim off and then catch another glimpse of their little orange bottom in the reflection in the mirror and they're disgusted again

and they're like "Oh, mate!"

And then they forget about it all again and swim happily off and then it's more "oh, mate".

Maybe the reason why they've got such long poos all the time is just a direct bi product of their seven second memory.

They quite simply forget to wipe they're bottom. Or by the time they do remember and go and look for the goldfish poo paper they get there and can't remember what they were looking for.

Not that it would matter anyway because as earlier discussed it' not like they have any hands.

They've got pectoral fins haven't they.

If you take nothing else from the last five minutes, take that. Unless you had it clear in your mind already in which case consider it re enforced.

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To add in: a bit about the fact the poo can in no way be cut.
Maybe they should have a revolving door with sharpened steel edges in the tank, or maybe just an exceptionally sharp pair of scissors.

But as discussed earlier.

Goldfish don't have hands they only have pectoral fins.

So if you put in a revolving door they'd just peer out at you, the owner and with their liitle goldfish eyes say to you

"Is he fucking winding us up"

And then seven seconds later

"Oh. Mate. I'm being followed by a thirty foot poop"

And then seven seconds later.

"Where did that revolving door come from?"

This place is weird.

I could have sworn some poo was just following me a few seconds ago but I can't remember bnow".