Have you ever seen the look on a man's face when he's selecting some reading material to take in with him to go and have a number two ?

It's very similar really to the look of a shoplifter.

I suppose you could describe it as over natural acting.

(do physical impression of this)

Already, the man's in a slightly heightened state, given that his body is telling him it would like to release a little packet, so time's not on his side.

He doesn't have a big window to act in, and he knows this.

But, still, he reckons he's got enough time to nonchalantly look for something to read, pick it up, as if he's not about to go and have a shit, which kind of looks a but like this.

(more physical stuff)

If there's more people around, and the thickness of the material allows it, you might be lucky enough to witness the fold into four and put in the back pocket, which, let's face it, is almost identical to shoplifting.

If you're very lucky, and you're watching a man who's misjudged the thickness of the reading material, your perception may be rewarded with the man trying to fold the magazine into a pocket-sized square - say he's gone for a World of Interiors rather than a Nuts or a Zoo, and then realising this isn't going to happen he'll sheepishly pretend he was trying to fold it for some other reason than taking it to the Thunderbox - one of my favourite Australianisms for toilet - for a poop.

What other reason that might be, unless he's trying out for The Strongest Man in the Worlde, is never really explored or discussed. But the man might try and do a couple fo re-folds of said material, not because he thinks he can do it, but because he thinks if he dopes that and you see then you'll think 'Oh, I thought he was trying to fold that to put in his pocket to discreetly go and have a poo, but it turns out he's just checking the tensile strength of World of Interiors, what an unfair assumption I made about him".

When a man gets caught trying to fold something he cannot, it really is the shoplifting equivalent of being caught buy the security guard trying to detach the alarm tags.

The shoplifting equivalent then resulting in said shoplifter, under the watchful gaze of the security guard, trying a couple more tags of other products in the shop and giving the security guard the thumbs up, as if somehow, the shoplifter is actually doing the same job as him, or her Reg, or her, but in a plain clothes capacity.

Of course, to what extent a man tries to disguise the fact that he's taking some 'literature', as men specifically refer to reading matter that is bog-bound, depends on how in touch with his feminine side he is, or indeed how Australian he is.

Another school of thought entirely is the man who takes the newspaper out of your hands while you're still reading it and announces, normally over the back of his shoulder "I'm just heading for a shit, love. Be about five minutes".

This of course will be the same man who comes out of there five minutes later, hands you back the paper, and gently advises "probably best to give it ten minutes love, unless you've got some high end breathing apparatus".

A joke, which unfortunately for you as a women, he will, never, ever tire of.