I broke the internet this afternoon

I typed Google into Google and somewhere far, far away I heard a distant explosion.

Kind of like a whumpf.

I think it was probably in California.

About 11 seconds later I got a phone call from Steven Hawkins. He said.

(SH voice). "Have you just broken the internet?"

I said "No."

He said "Are you fucking taking the piss.
Who do you fucking think it is. Delia Smith?"

I said
"To be perfectly honest I thought maybe you were the speaking clock?
It did confuse me as I always thought that was a recording"

Anyway. I was getting scared so I hung up. And I ran straight to this gig where I was hoping to be safe and find some kind of sanctuary.

If anyone was hoping to use the Internet when they get home, or maybe later in the week, I'm really sorry.

I'm afraid you're going to have to go back to Argos catalogues now and if you want to
compare insurance quotes online, well, tough shit.

I'm sure someone can fix the Internet.

After all, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the mayor of California and Bill Gates lives there so they've definitely got a head start. But in the meantime probably best to stock up on stamps and biros.