Will run for applause.

So, running.

I've started getting into a bit of running recently, and it's got to the stage where I've done a couple of 'events', I'm trying really really hard not to call them races, because, from my experience of talking to people about running, especially people you haven't met is that when you tell them you've started getting into running, their immediate reaction "this guy's a wanker (action?) yeah it's one thing doing running, that's annoying in the first place but the going around and telling you go running, wanker, and now he's talking about races. Races. What a twat"

So, against that backdrop it's going to be difficult getting you to laugh if you don;t like me.

But if I can you to laugh even though you don't like me, that's going to make me feel great. There's nothing sweeter than getting someone to laugh who doesn't want to.

Like you sir. I'll get you. You can fold your arms and look like you don't want to be here, but we'll get a chuckle out of you, even if it means coming down there and tickling you.

I'm not going to do that.

Right, so, running.

The thing about running is, running's dirty secret, is that everyone hates running. Ah, there might be a bit of a run, like 20 metres here or there where you think I love this, my body's a machine, I'm using all of the muscles god gave me and I feel at one with my natural environment, thus is great. I love running.

But for the most part, it's just mental torment.

It's just your body telling your mind to tell you "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, can we stop doing this, I want to stop now, are we nearly there yet, why don't we stop now and get that bus the rest of the way home, I don;t want to do this"

That kind of thing. A bit like a petulant child.

And this is why people get addicted to running. Sure you feel good generally and have more energy yadda yadda yadda but the reason why people get addicted to it is the mental side. It's the battle of wills between your mind and your body that you get addicted to.

But the thing about races, and this is the thing no one told me, is that when you turn up for a race, there's lots of other runners, I knew that bit, but also there's crowds, people who turn up just to encourage you and support you.

Put simple, people who turn up and just clap and occasionally shout little phrases of encouragement in a very English way, like.

"go on, you're doing really good"
or "well done, that's well done"
or "that's a good effort"

I mean the whole clapping people who go running thing is just another world completely. If you do a half marathon that's going to take around 2 hours or something, but as a runner, of course you really hurt yourself and go through some incredibly dark times, but surely your pain is nothing compared to the pain of a man who stands next to a lay by in rural Hertfordshire clapping, clapping for 2 hours, and saying

"good effort, that's a good effort"
"good effort, that's a good effort"

"good effort, that's a good effort"

This guy's the real hero. He';s the guy running the real half marathon.
He's running his own personal half marathon of encouragement. Imagine how hard that must be

I mean, who's clapping him?
Where does he pick up his medal?

Maybe it's like an English thing, you know because English people find it quite heard to be openly encouraging of other people, we're not vocal, we're not like Americans, maybe that's his way of getting out a year's worth pf encouragement he's had welling up inside him but felt uncomfortable expressing it in everyday life.

I do have a confession to make though. During one part of the run I found a bloke leaning against his car by a lay by and I was going through a dark moment in the run, I was sin a lot of pain and as I passed the bloke, I shouted to him "go on then, give us a clap". He was obviously just on some sort of clap break, which is fair enough but I shocked him out of it and he started clapping, to order pretty much and shouting a few words of encouragement like "go on there, good effort"

I feel a but ashamed of doing that. But ask me if I'd act any differently should the situation present itself again. We all know the answer.

Of course, running, or more pertinently attitudes to running and supporting it differ from country to country. A friend of mine ran the marathon recently in Paris. And he's run a few marathons here and there and said it was by far the worst. Whereas in London there seems to be a big clapping culture in Paris they're just not into it.

So he ran pretty much the entire course with hardly any spectators turned out to support him in any way. I think at one point he even started clapping himself. Out of sheer desperation.

Who knows why this is the case. Is it because French people, but Parisians in particular are too cool to clap. (french accent) "I will show no emotion to these runners, they are nothing to me, pass me my soft paquette of Gauloise cigarettes, I will need one soon, now let's make love"

Or maybe running is just something that holds no cultural value.
"Running means nothing to me. It is not art. It has no caffeine. You cannot smoke while you're are doing it. There are no snails or garlic involved. You cannot get a Michelin star for it. There is no point. Now let's make love"

At one point my friend said that his lowest point in the race was around the twenty mile mark,. which is renowned to be the 'wall' that all marathon runners go through, and he was running through this tunnel, so not a particularly beautiful part of Paris, he's done twenty miles. His body's saying to him "you're a twat, why are you doing all this running, you're a twat, you're a twat, why are you running, you're a twat, look there's the Metro why don't you just stop running and get on that, you don't have to run, you;re a twat, you're a twat"

Anyway, at the end of this tunnel he's coming up a slope which feels like a mountain and way ahead in the distance is his Girlfriend, just her, no other crowds, just clapping, slightly feebly, and saying "Come on Danny, Come on".

I don;t know why it just seemed like a really depressing moment. Almost as if her being there and clapping somehow highlighted the fact that no one else was there. Or maybe it's not depressing, maybe it's just a bit embarrassing. Like if you're playing football and you just slip over that age where you don't really want your mum to watch but she comes anyway.

And then you've got New York which is a whole different ball game - to use an Americanism. So the New York marathon is a very serious affair. And the clapping there, well apparently New Yorkers are some of the best clappers in the world. No doubt this is partly because they're just like that as people, there's no shame or embarrassment around telling people what a great job they've done, but partly too, it must be because of how fat they are. I don't mean that you get a bigger noise when you clap fat hands together, although that probably is a contributory factor to the overall clapping volume, but more that when you've got a 20 stone woman, when she claps a runner, she's clapping because she understands the sheer physical impossibility of it all.

In New York you get clapped if you run for a bus. Even a ten yard dash is going to garner a few whoops and "you can do it buddy "good job" "hang on in there".

A running buddy of mine told me that one good thing you can do if you're running the New York Marathion is to write your name ion your little tabard thingy so that when you're running p[people can personalise the encouragement. So it's Win Win. It's good for you.it's good for them. U`you both get more out of it. Unfortunately though, it can backfire. When you're having your darker moments as a runner, and you're facing your endurance demons, which as I've previously said is only really a small voice saying "you're a twat, you're a twat, stop running, you're a twat, you're a twat, look there's a yellow taxi, get in that, stop running, you're a twat", so the downside of having your name on your vest is simply that when you're having that moment and you're slowing down to look like you're running in slow motion, people start shouting "Come on Matt" "Come on Matt" "You can do this Matt" "Matt this hills is yours, own this hill".

And somewhere in that moment, encouragement can turn into annoyance. Especially when the encouragement is coming from a 20 stone man eating a cheeseburger and slurping down the last of a bucket of smoothie, a man who's found the physical pain of supporting too much and has brought a chair with him to ease the burden. There's something about a fat man on chair eating a burger shouting that just gets to you int he wrong way.

So apparently though in New York running is a serious business. Those Americans can be quite an earnest bunch. So you don't get he whole fancy dress thing going on which inevitably you get at stuff in England. There was a story a few years ago that a guy who turned up to the New York Marathon to run in a chicken suit got taken into a back ally and beaten up.

I mean jesus, where's fancy dress Superman when you need him.

Probably getting beaten up in another alley round another corner. By a fat man who's quite happy to shout "come on Dave" to complete strangers for four hours but draws the line at people wearing non running apparel.

Don;t worry by the way, I know not everyone on the marathon is called Dave. I was just saying Dave because that's the name of my mate.

Thank you very much. Before I go just quickly, even if you didn't really enjoy any of that if you could just clap now it would be great. I've only really turned up for the clapping.

Cheerio.