Liquid Karl

Most of my waking hours are spent trying to sift the pieces of information in my head into one of two categories.

Is it real?
Or did I dream it?

Some things I tell you tonight that I will present as reality are in fact not true and have no basis is fact whatsoever. But if I tell you they are true, I don't want you to come away from here tonight thinking I was doing that to hoodwink, deceive or bamboozle you.

If I tell you they are true, it's because I sincerely believe they are.

So now seems like the perfect time to share such a piece of information with you, information about an aftershave, no less, named after a prominent fashion designer that goes by the name of Karl Lagerfeld.

You've probably all heard of him. Little fellow. White hair. Often surrounded by tall models and small dogs.

So Karl's looking around for further ways to profit form the Karl Lagerfeld brand. And he doesn't need to look far because everyone else in fashion has already done this, he alights on the idea of bringing out an aftershave, a fragrance, a smell that represents the essence of Largefield. Karl Lagerfield. With unt 'K' not 'unt' 'C'. Carl with a 'C' is revoltingly common and sans style.

Karl with a K is completely different.

So, in my mind's eye, I like to imagine the Lagerfeld marketing department 'brainstorming' - technical word ladies and gentleman, technical word, it means talking shite but everyone being OK with that, so I imagine them 'brainstorming' a name.

(do I show bottle designs and poly boards here or no?)

And given that this is a high fashion brand, maybe you'd think something minimal yet bold and authoritative, somesing that embodies the spirit of the tiny man himself.

What about Lagerfeld? The power of that name is in it's simplicity.
Or what about KL? Again, bold, masculine, simple.
What about Liquid Karl?

Liquid Karl!

(spit out a drink at this point).

I'm going to say it again.

Liquid Karl!

When I first found out about this, literally my eyebrows could not go high enough. I had to hire a personal eyebrow trainer and go to an eyebrow gym to develop the muscles in my forehead so I could then go back a month later to the person who told me and go

Liquid Karl!

I know a fragrance should represent the essence of it's creator, but surely it shouldn't be the essence of it's creator.

I mean, it really is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It's lord of the wrong. Wrong, wrong wherever ye may be for I am the lord of the wrong said he. I make Liquid Karl in my perfume factory, I am the lord of the wrong said he.

I mean how do you even begin to talk about something like this?

You might think I'm doing this job to come on and make you laugh, but ladies and gentlemen, you could not be further from the truth. For me this is therapy, I find out about something like Liquid Karl and I just desperately need to talk to someone about it. My hope is that if I talk to several thousand people at once about it then one day, liquid Karl will no longer haunt my dreams.

The fragrance was unisex, and let's face it one and all, girls, boys, transsexuals, hermaphrodites, whoever you are and however your body's plumbing works, who wouldn't want to dab bit of Liquid Karl just behind your earlobe, or for men, who want to feel the sharp sting of Liquid Karl on your face just after a close shave.

The bottle, and I need to read this out verbatim - that means word for word the PR description of the bottle

"An elongated glass and metal bottle revealing an amber-hued juice.
On the label, a black-and-white photo of the designer, looking relaxed in profile."

People like Karl Lagerfeld make my job so easy. I'm not having to sit down with a blank sheet of paper and agonise over writing jokes or making funny stuff. I just have to turn up here and tell you about Karl Lagerfeld's new perfume range.

I mean, an elongated bottle containing an amber hued juice.

Amber hued?

Karl, I don't know what you're eating my friend but you need to see the doctor,
or at very least a nutritionist.

I think the inside of your cock. that's Kock with a 'K', has gone rusty my friend.

You need to get that looked at.
Pronto.
A rusty cock's no good to anyone.
Especially not to someone who's about to mass produce a liquid called Karl.

And as for "the black and white photo of the designer, looking relaxed in profile". He's clearly just knocked one out. He's got the self satisfied look of a man that's not only just chucked his custard, that's custard with a 'K' around, but the self-satisifed look of a man who's now going to go on and sell it. His own man muck.

I'm presuming though, that photograph was taken after production of the first bottle. I'd like a few more photos further into the production process, with Karl looking a little bit strung out and feral. As he tries to produce enough Liquid Karl to replenish the stock of Liverpool's 13 Superdrugs.

I reckon twenty bottles into production it must have gone through Karl's mind, why didn't we call it Lagerfeld or KL, damn it, I have been so careless, careless with a K, in this whole naming process.

That's all for me.
Thanks for letting me share with the group.

I know you're probably thinking I made the whole Liquid Karl thing up so I brought a bottle with me.

Just to show I've been doing a little homework in separating dreams from reality before I spoke to you tonight.

Anyone want a squirt.

You madam, would you care for a squirt?

Just be careful not to get it in your eye.

(wink)

It really stings.

She knows what I'm talking about.