The "I'm just making a fish pie for some friends who've had twins but I'm not gay" story

So there I am.

In Sainsbury's at the fish counter

(another way of starting this could be to say
"Imagine for a second,
It's a Saturday afternoon
You're in Sainsbury's by the fish counter", then, imagine for a second, la la laaaa)

Buying some fish for a Fish Pie. It's a Saturday, there's nothing at all odd about this situation. There's someone in front of you, someone behind you. The person who's in front seems to be ordering a wide array of fish and so when it comes your turn to order, you're feeling ever so slightly self conscious.

So you order, you know you need 750g of fish for this pie but rather than just buy 750g of cod, because a) that's a bit boring, and because b) once in a while it's good to stop and marvel at the amazing phenomenon that is a supermarket, that there are so many things you can order and actually have, you decide to go for 400g of Salmon, 300g of Cod and 100g of Tiger Prawns.

Why not eh?
Fuck it. I'm sure when they were freely swimming off the coast of Costa Rica or wherever it is that Tiger Prawns naturally reside that's where, if they could think, if they did actually have consciousness, that's where they'd be most happy ending up.

In a fish counter sitting on ice in a pit stop on their journey from actually being alive to their final resting place. A Jamie Oliver fish pie.

Those lucky, luck prawns.

So, anyhoo.

I digress.

The woman behind me hears my ordering - nosy bitch - only joking - well it was a bit nosy - but I am only joking - and says "are you making a fish pie."

And never one to skimp on detail when an explanation could be offered I explained that my very close friends have just had twins and I was making a fish pie and taking it around to them.

And then she gave me this look.

Does anyone here recognise this look [do the raised eyebrows look].

Well, if you ever see this look, from a woman, it's basically a non verbal way of saying "You're gay".

---

So now I find myself in a spot where I feel a bit awkward.
Every part of me wants to turn around to the woman and shout 'I"M NOT GAY" in block capitals.
But somehow, that just seems wildly inappropriate.

It's just not cool. So what if she thinks I'm gay. It doesn't matter, it's fine if you;re gay. Of course it is. It;s just I'm not gay.

Its factually inaccurate.

And it's just something about the thought of her going home and while she's doing the washing up after a simple yet delicious and nutritious dinner of poached salmon and boiled potatoes saying (she laughs) "Oh, Brian, I forgot to tell you, I met the loveliest gay man in Sainsbury's today. He was such a sweetie. He was making a fish pie for his friends who've had twins.
What a lovely man".

You know what, he was so nice I think he might have even been one of those gay guys that doesn't, you know, do it.

What like us is what her husband Brian is thinking at this point but wisely staying schtum.

[I'M NOT GAY T-SHIRT reveal]