So, it used to be that my life's ambition was to have written an episode of The Simpsons.

That's looking increasingly unlikely.

For the dual reasons that I'm not writing one and Fox don't know where I live and/or aren't knocking on my door.

So, I've come up with a new thing that I would have liked to have done.

Perfectly achievable (if you had a time machine) but certainly relatively local to me - and therefore do-abble, and something I would have been equally proud of.

And it's yellow too, just like Homer.

I'm referring of course to the opportunistic wit who, on learning the location of the Snappy Snaps that George Michael slammed his Range Rover into, bonged out of his brains, and in all probability nipping out to buy a combination of Pringles and/or Double Deckers larger than the Greek National Debt, graffiti'd it.

And not even 'tagged' or did anything in any way elaborate. But actually etched it into the side of Snappy Snaps with what I like to imagine was literally, an old school compass.

A perfect execution of the idea in every regard.

Genius.

Beauty.

Who reads this blog anyway? Not even it's writer, that's who.

So, adding value is the theme of the Buddhist Organisation SGI.

Or maybe another way of interpreting this was finding the value in any situation.
This would be a good thing to drum into my pretty little head.

It's something that I know about and believe in anyway, I suppose.

Something that I've definitely talked to my sister about - the idea that whatever's happening is happening for a reason and the trick is to try and find a way of learning from it.

Of finding value from it.

So yesterday was a good example, I thought.

I got really quite cross around 4ish working at home in the back room when my not always considerate of others neighbour invited a friend over for tea and then started with the whoomp whoomp whoomp of bass-in-the-place average house music.

Miao.

Chairman Miaow.

Creativity is mistakes as Grayson Perry once remarked on Radio 4 - something he has written down on a beam in his studio.

And something I mentioned to Kim Buteyko Breath Coach when he said people who are enlightened 'Shine out like a sore thumb'.

I know this was a mistake, and what a glorious mistake it was.

Anyway, I digress.
Which incidentally should and could well be the title of my autobiography.

The value creation of what was happening there was shifting me to another room to work in - incidentally, where I'm sat now, which while it doesn't have any direct sunlight, has a much nice bigger table, and higher ceilings and is actually really nice to work in.

So there.

That was the value that I was trying to create and that was the value I found it difficult to see.

Just like the value in the situation of Elissa blowing me out last night, but perhaps not in the way I was initially hoping.

Actually, when I spent time with her, I found her quite annoying.
And then we had all those - holier than thou - arguments.

And then she changed her plans at the last minute.

I think the value to be added there or rather to be found is not to waste too much time or effort into making plans with her.

---

And as for the - self inflicted - predicament I find myself in today, this morning, this week, well, this has also happened for a reason.

OK, I'm not particularly happy at this exact moment in time with some of the macro things that are going on. Living on my own. No girlfriend. Having to self structure and so on and so forth, but you know what, that's OK.

I've obviously put myself in this 'stress position' for a reason.

I wasn't happy at RKCR, where I was working on my own, having to muddle along and feel embarrassed at doing things I wasn't particularly skilled at - visual stuff - and work on work which was at the very bottom of the food chain in terms of whether people considered it important.

So, to some extent I find myself left with the life that I had anyway.

I suppose the difference now is because of the amount of time I have, my energy will 'break out' and force me, not in an angry way, but naturally flow out of me and make me go in new directions.

And that can be no bad thing.

I suppose it's similar to people who devote their lives to becoming an artist. The hard thing is not having a job, in a lot of ways, that's the easy thing. Someone tells you what to do, there's a hierarchy, a structure, all of that stuff. You get paid at the end of each month, someone else makes the rules.

That world wasn't for me. Clearly.

But the other world I find myself in now is really hard too. Granted, I'm not an artist, but there is something akin to the artist's way that has meant I've put myself in this situation.

Hope that's cleared everything up.

At least on a slightly grey, humid, Tuesday late July morning.

Peace.

Out.

x

It's a rain 'story'

Since when did weather become about 'stories'.

I kind of get, although at the same time, not get at all the whole fashion 'stories' thing.
When they say, Autumn 2011 is looking like a clogs story.

But then again, it's not much of a story is it?

I mean, it's not really much of a page turner. There's only really one page to turn.

Once upon a time.
Well, Autumn 2011 to be precise.

It was fashionable to wear clogs.

Because some dufus said so.

The end.

Not really going to make those best seller charts now is it?

---

But weather.

Whenever I hear weather presenters saying "Today in the Western half of the country, it's a rain story"

It's not a rain story.

It's going to rain.

Then it'll stop raining for a bit, just long enough for you to put your washing out, then it'll rain again.

The end.

No more stories.

---

Footnote.

I also heard a weather forecaster say, so tomorrow, if you live in London, you've been getting used to 22'c, say hello to 14'c.

That's right.

We're all going to walk out of the door tomorrow and say hello to 14'c.

I just wish they'd stop trying to sex up the weather.

It's the weather.

Just let it be weather.

It's enough.

It doesn't need stories and we don't need to say hello to it.

---

Sketch show idea. The photography couple.

All they really do is just take pictures.

They don't really talk to each other. They just take pictures of building and stuff and sometimes show stuff to each other on their cameras.

Their cameras are a way of interacting with the outside world. They're effectively mutes.

This needs developing but eventually would you get to a stage where they get married and all they do is take pictures.

Fun if people came over for dinner and they just took pictures, wouldn't talk to anyone.

Kind of like modern mime.

Golman Sachs and the three ring (circus)

Working at Goldman Sachs does not sound like a barrel of laughs to me.
Unless that is you're someone that doesn't mind emailing other colleagues when you're about to go for a pee.

And that's what they have to do.

Because they have a culture of picking up the phone in 3 rings, and they're pretty serious about this, it means phones have to be covered at all times. Which means if you need to go pee pee you have to email a colleague so they'll cover you.

Colleague is definitely the right collective noun for Goldmans.

So you email T + K, 5 mins.

Toilet + Kitchen, 5 minutes.

That's a number one isn't it? 5 minutes is a quick pee, or if you're a lady a squeeze of your lemon then just enough time to make a cuppa and frog march it to your desk only partially scalding your hand as the boiling water slops around.

Can expand on this + nice simple jokes.

This must set up a whole load of Goldman Sachs code as to what people are doing when they're not answering the phone withing 3 rings.

T, 10 mins.

Translation: I'm having a dump.
Not planning on coming by the kitchen for a celebratory post-dump cup of tea.

T + D, 20mins tbc

Which obviously means. Toilet + Diarrhoea. 20 minutes is just a rough estimate. Who knows what's going to happen once that cubicle door is locked.

Diarrhoea is not a 3 ring situation. It takes time.

I didn't really need to telly you that mins meant minutes did I. I think you had that one covered.

---

(if you ever did this out you'd do this bit first)

But 3 rings!

3 rings.

Now I understand why the banking crisis happened. Suddenly it all makes sense. Goldman Sachs, one of the world's biggest investment banks is solely focused on answering the phone quickly.

Bringgg Bringggg.

Hello Goldman Sachs.

Hello. What have you done with all my money?

(breezy robot) We don't know. We just answer phones quickly.

You're supposed to be an investment bank.
What's going on with my investments.

(breezy robot) We have absolutely no idea. Literally none. We just answer the phoned within 3 rings. We were hoping if we did that people would get the distinct impression we knew what we were doing.

You're nuts.

(breezy robot) It used to be within 4 rings but since the banking meltdown we've gone to 3. We think people need more re-assurance that we know what we're doing now.

But you don't .

(breezy robot) Absolutely correct.
But we can tell you that within 3 rings.

The Office. Epsiode 1.

What happens?

What do we find out?

Character-wise.

David Brent

Knows he needs to be PC and hides that real badly.
Gareth is his 'right hand man'.
Likes a booze.
Fancies his boss and is shit at hiding it.
Sees himself as "a friend first, a boss second and third, an entertainer"
That above quote is key in setting out the stall of his character early on.
Is quite spiteful when crossed.
Is a man in deep, deep pain.
Wants to be funny/witty but isn't, ultimately.

Gareth

In (was in?) the TA.
Is the assistant to the manager.
Despite technically being more senior than Tim is absolutely not respected by him.
Is not cool.
Sees himself as being more important that the other staffers.

Dawn.

Normal.
Not single.
Flirts with Tim.
Is sensitive.

Dawn's boyfriend.

Not very chatty.
Could be menacing.

Tim.
Funny, does actually good practical jokes.
Anti-establishment, winds up Gareth etc.
Stapler in jelly and so on.
Stapler out window, good jelly joke 'trifling matter'.

Brent's Boss

Very alpha male (even though a woman)
Humourless.
Efficient.
Sees Brent as a 'panicker'.



---

50 cent/ Come give me a hug

Always thought there was something a little 'off' about Fifty's lyrics to 'In the club'.
Can't work out whether he just gave up trying to find 'u' lyrics or whether he genuinely was revealing a much more sensitive side where he wanted someone to come and give him a 'huuuu-uug'.

Ahhh fifty.

Such as softy

---

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed

Write about what you know. The spa.

The Spa is like therapy for men.

You've got every conceivable creed, colour and background of geezer down there and it's a chance for men to swap men stuff. It's kind of like Group Therapy.

Maybe that's a good title. Steam work.

Steamwork.

Although, just plain and simple "The Spa" does have a nice ring to it too.

Steam therapy.

As well as men having conversations about all sorts of things they wouldn't normally, you've got hassidic jews, muslims schmeissing them, you've got a whole interest.

You've got that old Indian guy in there who last Monday had a very intense conversation with me and my brother about how "A woman can never make you happy"

"Trust me"
"On the word of God, this is what I think"

Not even "a woman' but "The women can not do this, do that" "She is different species. Trust me"

"The woman needs you for security and stability and that is all. Also, when The Woman reaches menopause, she is no longer interested in sex. Trust me. It is the word of god".

"The woman will lose interest in The Man and makes friends and want to spend time only with other Woman"

"If I ask her to make me some food she says "You have hands. Make it yourself".

But if my son comes "She will we up at 6 in the morning for him. Helping him. Spoling him".

Fire alarm in a swimming pool

So there I am, Sunday night at my local swimming pool, just done my however many lengths and looking forward to a Sauna.

And the fire alarm goes off.

There's something a bit odd about when a fire alarm goes off in the middle of a pool. There's a big part of you that thinks, well, I should probably just stay in the middle of the pol right. ]Safest place.

Anyhoo. The pool numpties start shepherding everyone out and cracking out heat blankets and expecting us to go outside, me in my budgie smugglers and all - in heat blankets. Are they smoking crack? That obviously make sense if there's a fire, but a fire there was not.

So I made a break for the border and scooted into the changing rooms where I was met with a group of people, who should they be competing in 'in no particular hurry to leave a building' discipline in the Fire Alarm Olympics, I'd say they were looking at Gold.

There's people showering, borrowing each other's soap. Washing their hair. Half of the people in there were Chinese and I think actually didn't realise there was a fire alarm happening, hence their lack of action.

And then the pool numpty guy comes in and downgrades the evacuation status to "will everyone please leave the building asap". Well, I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but ASAP is not an acronym that instills urgency into anyone.

So. We're all getting changed "as soon as poss" and then one of the older, beefcakey-er guys rocks up and starts shouting at everyone to leave, but even that was having no effect due to the combination of

A. him not actually being understood and
B. a pretty solid 'no real need to leave quickly' foundation having been laid.

And it's against this backdrop that I saw something, really really funny.

Now that the boss man has come in the attendants are trying harder to clear the room yet still n0 one is taking any notice and then I hear the attendant say in bewilderment and utter disbelief.

"Oi. Mate. Are you having a shave?"

Some Jose Mourinho-lite kind of character who clearly didn't know what was going on had taken some time out during the tail end of a building evacuation to have a cheeky shave.

Was he freshening up for the fireman?

Will we ever know?

What I do know is that with the exception of a pedicure, or maybe even a massage it's very hard to think of something that cocks more of a snook at the attendants than this.

This is a man who is saying, I fear not the fire.

Rebranding the recession

Every time I hear the word recession it makes me feel a bit afraid.
Like there's some cloud hanging over us, just overhead somewhere and that nothing will be OK until it's lifted.

This is silly.
Actually it's a bit more than silly, it's very silly.

I don't want anyone out there in radioland to think I'm being insensitive to people who've lost their jobs, or are finding it hard to make ends meet or make sure their family's OK, I get all that.

And even though that's happening lots of other things haven't changed.

Hot chocolate is still hot.
The drink, not the 70's Errol Brown fronted band, is still hot.

When the sun occasionally blesses us with it's presence, it's still yellow and warm;

And music. We can still listen to music. Our ears aren't part of the recession

So I say let's re-brand the recession.
Try and re-train yourself that every time you hear the word recession, you replace it with the enlightenment. Let's call it the enlightenment because it's made people less focuses, or at least less exclusively focused on materialism and making moolah.

That way, the next time you hear the r word, you'll hear, economists are predicting that the enlightenment will carry on into the Spring of 2011. And you'll feel sad, because you don't want the enlightenment to end.

Have I droned on a bit too much about this? Perhaps.

Here's a Beatles record about the sun.

It's Friday and I'm going on holiday

Holidays are great aren't they.

They're just a celebration of leisure, of time when you just get to do whatever you want and to hell with the consequences.

I think sometimes holidays can be a bit stressful because of that very fact. That's there's so much pressure on so few days in the year for them to be great, that it's very difficult for them to be.

The answer my friends is to practice more.
Take more holiday.
No, I'm not talking about becoming a teacher. I'm talking about every weekend, rather than saying you're looking forward to the weekend, can;t wait 'til the weekend la la laaa, just say, I can't wait 'til the holiday.

That's right.
Every weekend can be a holiday.

Got to get going now, I need to do a bit of washing before my holiday.

Etc.

Stock take at London Zoo

So.

They're doing a stock take at London Zoo.

Can someone please explain that to me. [impression of someone looking for cupboards/highly exasperated] Where's the Rhino, where's that Rhino, it says here there's on Rhino, where would a Rhino hide?

If I was a White Rhino where would I hide etc etc.
Now make it funny. Like Logan says, somethings neither funny or not funny is undeveloped.

And not funny.

And what's the purpose of doing a stock check?

What happens when they find they've only got 2 out of 3 of the Boa Constrictors?
Do they subtly put up LOST posters around the surrounding environs.

'LOST'

One very friendly and not at all alarming Boa Constrictor.
No need to panic at all.

Appearance. Long-ish.
Let's say 11ft.
Snakey looking.

Eats all sorts of things including small mammals.
So if you've recently lost your Jack Russell, be particularly vigilant.

Contact. Dave.
Not at London Zoo.
Not in any way working in the snake bit.

I just work on reception.

---

Maybe another idea is to actually just look in the surrounding neighbourhood for lost dog posters and post a 'Sorry' picture underneath and a photo fit of a boa constrictor with a dog shaped bulge in it.

---

anyhoo.

This needs some work.

But good first ramblings.