Fire alarm in a swimming pool

So there I am, Sunday night at my local swimming pool, just done my however many lengths and looking forward to a Sauna.

And the fire alarm goes off.

There's something a bit odd about when a fire alarm goes off in the middle of a pool. There's a big part of you that thinks, well, I should probably just stay in the middle of the pol right. ]Safest place.

Anyhoo. The pool numpties start shepherding everyone out and cracking out heat blankets and expecting us to go outside, me in my budgie smugglers and all - in heat blankets. Are they smoking crack? That obviously make sense if there's a fire, but a fire there was not.

So I made a break for the border and scooted into the changing rooms where I was met with a group of people, who should they be competing in 'in no particular hurry to leave a building' discipline in the Fire Alarm Olympics, I'd say they were looking at Gold.

There's people showering, borrowing each other's soap. Washing their hair. Half of the people in there were Chinese and I think actually didn't realise there was a fire alarm happening, hence their lack of action.

And then the pool numpty guy comes in and downgrades the evacuation status to "will everyone please leave the building asap". Well, I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but ASAP is not an acronym that instills urgency into anyone.

So. We're all getting changed "as soon as poss" and then one of the older, beefcakey-er guys rocks up and starts shouting at everyone to leave, but even that was having no effect due to the combination of

A. him not actually being understood and
B. a pretty solid 'no real need to leave quickly' foundation having been laid.

And it's against this backdrop that I saw something, really really funny.

Now that the boss man has come in the attendants are trying harder to clear the room yet still n0 one is taking any notice and then I hear the attendant say in bewilderment and utter disbelief.

"Oi. Mate. Are you having a shave?"

Some Jose Mourinho-lite kind of character who clearly didn't know what was going on had taken some time out during the tail end of a building evacuation to have a cheeky shave.

Was he freshening up for the fireman?

Will we ever know?

What I do know is that with the exception of a pedicure, or maybe even a massage it's very hard to think of something that cocks more of a snook at the attendants than this.

This is a man who is saying, I fear not the fire.

Rebranding the recession

Every time I hear the word recession it makes me feel a bit afraid.
Like there's some cloud hanging over us, just overhead somewhere and that nothing will be OK until it's lifted.

This is silly.
Actually it's a bit more than silly, it's very silly.

I don't want anyone out there in radioland to think I'm being insensitive to people who've lost their jobs, or are finding it hard to make ends meet or make sure their family's OK, I get all that.

And even though that's happening lots of other things haven't changed.

Hot chocolate is still hot.
The drink, not the 70's Errol Brown fronted band, is still hot.

When the sun occasionally blesses us with it's presence, it's still yellow and warm;

And music. We can still listen to music. Our ears aren't part of the recession

So I say let's re-brand the recession.
Try and re-train yourself that every time you hear the word recession, you replace it with the enlightenment. Let's call it the enlightenment because it's made people less focuses, or at least less exclusively focused on materialism and making moolah.

That way, the next time you hear the r word, you'll hear, economists are predicting that the enlightenment will carry on into the Spring of 2011. And you'll feel sad, because you don't want the enlightenment to end.

Have I droned on a bit too much about this? Perhaps.

Here's a Beatles record about the sun.

It's Friday and I'm going on holiday

Holidays are great aren't they.

They're just a celebration of leisure, of time when you just get to do whatever you want and to hell with the consequences.

I think sometimes holidays can be a bit stressful because of that very fact. That's there's so much pressure on so few days in the year for them to be great, that it's very difficult for them to be.

The answer my friends is to practice more.
Take more holiday.
No, I'm not talking about becoming a teacher. I'm talking about every weekend, rather than saying you're looking forward to the weekend, can;t wait 'til the weekend la la laaa, just say, I can't wait 'til the holiday.

That's right.
Every weekend can be a holiday.

Got to get going now, I need to do a bit of washing before my holiday.

Etc.

Stock take at London Zoo

So.

They're doing a stock take at London Zoo.

Can someone please explain that to me. [impression of someone looking for cupboards/highly exasperated] Where's the Rhino, where's that Rhino, it says here there's on Rhino, where would a Rhino hide?

If I was a White Rhino where would I hide etc etc.
Now make it funny. Like Logan says, somethings neither funny or not funny is undeveloped.

And not funny.

And what's the purpose of doing a stock check?

What happens when they find they've only got 2 out of 3 of the Boa Constrictors?
Do they subtly put up LOST posters around the surrounding environs.

'LOST'

One very friendly and not at all alarming Boa Constrictor.
No need to panic at all.

Appearance. Long-ish.
Let's say 11ft.
Snakey looking.

Eats all sorts of things including small mammals.
So if you've recently lost your Jack Russell, be particularly vigilant.

Contact. Dave.
Not at London Zoo.
Not in any way working in the snake bit.

I just work on reception.

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Maybe another idea is to actually just look in the surrounding neighbourhood for lost dog posters and post a 'Sorry' picture underneath and a photo fit of a boa constrictor with a dog shaped bulge in it.

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anyhoo.

This needs some work.

But good first ramblings.