Body language experts

If you're ever dealing with someone who's an expert - or even someone who's just read a book on - body language then it's fun to take advantage of them.

So, things happen in what's called gesture clusters. So for example when someone folds their arms it could mean they're being defensive, or it could mean they're cold.

But then. Breakthrough! If this gesture is combined with another like this one, (crossed legs)

** Maybe could get a chair from the audience for this 'un.

Then that may well be defensive positioning. That they're a bit uncomfortable. or that they think you're a cunt.

So if I'm ever in the company of someone who knows body language (it's a bit like 'knowing' Karate isn't it?)

[Japanese accent] You know body language?

If I'm ever in the company of such a person then I'll slip in a bit of this.

Just some weird shit.

Of course there's always the playground classic, too.

(slip the itching your face bird or coming your hair v's]

---

When I'm saying all this stuff, is it really, really obvious that it started life with doing the bird and the v's and trying to think of some context or some story I could tell you just so I could do that on stage.

Because it's really obvious to me.

And the thing is, and I can GUARANTEE this based on actual statistical FACT, 34% sometimes rising to 38% of the people here today will actually use that before the week is out.

You will.

And think of me.

Five minutes

So, I've been getting into running recently.

I told someone I was going to run a marathon and a got this response.

[acting out wide eyed - keep it long]

Really?

Which was encouraging I thought.

Similar response really to when I said to a couple of my friends that I was going to become a stand up comedian.

Same look.
Different person, but Exactly the same look.

That person then tentatively asked "Do you have a comic persona?"

My response was pretty much, "errrrrrrr. Me?"

I then got this response. (lips together, wide eyed).

Do you think I need a comic persona?

The slow nod. (act out)

Which was all very encouraging. Like the running.
People can be so helpful, you know really lift you up.

So, with the running I started off just running a bit here and there and then

And then I started running more and more, bigger distances. I appreciate I'm telling you this as if it's amazing information you'll never be able to grasp and I'm the first person who's ever gradually increased their running distance, and I apologise for that.

So as I'm building my distance I started telling more and more people about my running, which is pretty fucking annoying I know.

And I told someone and he said (adopt Fulham horsey snort).

"So, like, what are you running away from, man"

"I dunno. A really fat version of myself? Daytime TV? My house?

So, all of this running then culminates in me entering a half marathon. An actual race.

If this was blind date that would be the moment you went 'Ooh'.

[story about how running has made me addicted to applause and me chiding the non clapper].

Stop laughing

Before we get started I'd like to start with a disclaimer.

My biggest problem, as a comedian is that I am only able to make people laugh unintentionally.

And worse, when I want people to laugh, they won't.

So, if there's anything I say tonight that makes you laugh, it's pretty likely, very likely even, that I didn't mean to.

So if you're laughing and I'm looking cross, that's what 's happening.

This also applies to grins, smiles, smirk and even internal laughter which I'm also very adept at spotting, some of you are even doing it now, as well as actual laughter.

To anyone out there who is not laughing right now, and has no plans to laugh. that's good. Well done. This is a disclaimer and is not intended to be humorous in any way whatsoever.

ENDING:

(pull out whoopee cushion) Make a fart noise.

(depending on reaction) Some of you/you have passed the test.

Parma ham and melon

Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to go round for dinner at the guy's house who invented the Parma Ham and Melon starter before he invented Parma Ham and Melon.

Don't get me wrong, Parma Ham and Melon is an unlikely, yet somehow effective taste combination.

But what combos did he have to try out to get there?