Has Apple invented an iPerson?

So, for quite a while my Apple laptop (and if you think this post is ever going to get any more interesting than that start then good luck) has been losing charge so eventually got around to flipping my computer over and found the battery was bulging out of the back.

So I did what any self-respecting renaissance man would do and fixed it myself.
Except I didn't.
I took it to Micro Anvika on Tottenham Court Road.
Ah the joys of being me.

Several grumpy encounters later I found out that the machine had a 'swollen battery' which sounds like a very human ailment for a machine to have. Poor battery. Poor laptop. Anyway, the kind Micro Anvika man told me that because the battery was swollen best to fish it out of there lest it leaks nasty chemicals and hurts the much more expensive than the battery computer. So that was helpful advice. He also gave me the Apple number and suggested that even thought the machine (and hence battery) was two years old and so well out of warranty it still might be worth swinging them a call.

So, I rings Apple I does and had a very odd conversation with someone who in a very polite way was saying no, but saying no nevertheless. And then something weird happened.

He put me on to his supervisor, maybe somewhere in America but this was never established. You know sometimes in trials you hear about people 'leading the witness'. Well the Apple guy I spoke to, who was American and I suspect maybe Canadian, purely from a dialect point of view you understand, definitely seemed to be 'leading' me.

His voice was human yet somehow robotic. It was like Apple had taken the voice coding from the unrealistic directory enquiries woman and re-inputted it from the ground up so that now it sounded natural, real and almost humanoid. There was something of the baddie from Terminator Two about the voice as well. Strange, it did get me wondering whether Apple had sidestepped any moral debate about cloning or stem celll progress and just thought "Fuck it, we'll do our own human. We're smart enough and it'll probably only take us a few weeks".

It's not just the tone of his voice but what he was saying.

Which was effectively repeating this question in different ways

"Am I right in thinking that you were led to believe by an Apple supplier that we could replace the battery for you"
"Errr, kind of, I suppose, I mean they made me think it was worth at least calling your number and seeing what you could do"
"I see, so it would be fair to say you were under the impression we would replace the battery"
"Not exactly, but maybe......"
"because if you were made to think this then Apple would be obliged to honour the supplier's word even though your battery is no longer under warranty"
"I see"
"So would you say you were led to believe this".

How queer.

Eventually the witness was led, and they sent me a new battery out in the post. But I kind of wish in retrospect I rang up and said that I'd been into an Apple Supplier and been promised a new top of the range fully loaded powerbook and that I was under the impression that once this had been offered by Apple, even if it was outside normal Apple policy then they were duty bound to honour it.

But I didn't do that.

If all of the above sounds suspiciously to you like I'm taking one of my many flights of fancy then the clincher that let me know that this person was not made of flesh yet was trying to acquire human characteristics is when he said to me

"Can I just ask you one question. Does the swollen battery smell of bubblegum?"
(What?)
"Errrr...."
"It's just that I've heard in some cases of this happening that the battery can smell like bubblegum. Is this your experience."
"Dunno. I'll smell it"
(robot embarrassed)"No, there's really no need I was just wondering that's all)
"Yeah, come to think of it, it does".
(robot laugh)"Ha ha. Well, that is strange. When my battery is swollen it smells of toffee angel delight. I must share this information with some of my other iPeople colleagues. I will input it onto an iMemory iStick and plug it in to their iMemories".*

*Some of this transcript has been embellished.

Things I haven't learned this week

1a. What the fudge Micro Anvika means. I know Micro means small (yeah, I know, check me out), but what about Anvika? Sounds like it might be a small Swedish robin to me, but not sure how ultimately how technology-related that is.

If anyone does know, and ever reads this blog (now there's a thin pie chart intersection) then don't tell me. I prefer to let it rattle around my whimsical imagination for all eternity.

1b. Laptops woprk without batteries in 'em actually work. Just plug them in. And they're much lighter so you can pretend you own a macbook air without forking out two grand for one.

2. That giving up very quickly on the Guardian quick crossword and then going to the online solution and filling it in isn't actually finishing it. Need to think more on this.


Things I've learned this week

1. You can go to the Guardian website and print out a copy of the Guardian Crossword for free. And it's much nicer doing a crossword (or conversely just filling in the correct answers the next day) from a crisp sheet of white A4 than it is from newsprint. The ink just takes better. 'Tis fact.