Fire alarm in a swimming pool

So there I am, Sunday night at my local swimming pool, just done my however many lengths and looking forward to a Sauna.

And the fire alarm goes off.

There's something a bit odd about when a fire alarm goes off in the middle of a pool. There's a big part of you that thinks, well, I should probably just stay in the middle of the pol right. ]Safest place.

Anyhoo. The pool numpties start shepherding everyone out and cracking out heat blankets and expecting us to go outside, me in my budgie smugglers and all - in heat blankets. Are they smoking crack? That obviously make sense if there's a fire, but a fire there was not.

So I made a break for the border and scooted into the changing rooms where I was met with a group of people, who should they be competing in 'in no particular hurry to leave a building' discipline in the Fire Alarm Olympics, I'd say they were looking at Gold.

There's people showering, borrowing each other's soap. Washing their hair. Half of the people in there were Chinese and I think actually didn't realise there was a fire alarm happening, hence their lack of action.

And then the pool numpty guy comes in and downgrades the evacuation status to "will everyone please leave the building asap". Well, I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but ASAP is not an acronym that instills urgency into anyone.

So. We're all getting changed "as soon as poss" and then one of the older, beefcakey-er guys rocks up and starts shouting at everyone to leave, but even that was having no effect due to the combination of

A. him not actually being understood and
B. a pretty solid 'no real need to leave quickly' foundation having been laid.

And it's against this backdrop that I saw something, really really funny.

Now that the boss man has come in the attendants are trying harder to clear the room yet still n0 one is taking any notice and then I hear the attendant say in bewilderment and utter disbelief.

"Oi. Mate. Are you having a shave?"

Some Jose Mourinho-lite kind of character who clearly didn't know what was going on had taken some time out during the tail end of a building evacuation to have a cheeky shave.

Was he freshening up for the fireman?

Will we ever know?

What I do know is that with the exception of a pedicure, or maybe even a massage it's very hard to think of something that cocks more of a snook at the attendants than this.

This is a man who is saying, I fear not the fire.

Rebranding the recession

Every time I hear the word recession it makes me feel a bit afraid.
Like there's some cloud hanging over us, just overhead somewhere and that nothing will be OK until it's lifted.

This is silly.
Actually it's a bit more than silly, it's very silly.

I don't want anyone out there in radioland to think I'm being insensitive to people who've lost their jobs, or are finding it hard to make ends meet or make sure their family's OK, I get all that.

And even though that's happening lots of other things haven't changed.

Hot chocolate is still hot.
The drink, not the 70's Errol Brown fronted band, is still hot.

When the sun occasionally blesses us with it's presence, it's still yellow and warm;

And music. We can still listen to music. Our ears aren't part of the recession

So I say let's re-brand the recession.
Try and re-train yourself that every time you hear the word recession, you replace it with the enlightenment. Let's call it the enlightenment because it's made people less focuses, or at least less exclusively focused on materialism and making moolah.

That way, the next time you hear the r word, you'll hear, economists are predicting that the enlightenment will carry on into the Spring of 2011. And you'll feel sad, because you don't want the enlightenment to end.

Have I droned on a bit too much about this? Perhaps.

Here's a Beatles record about the sun.

It's Friday and I'm going on holiday

Holidays are great aren't they.

They're just a celebration of leisure, of time when you just get to do whatever you want and to hell with the consequences.

I think sometimes holidays can be a bit stressful because of that very fact. That's there's so much pressure on so few days in the year for them to be great, that it's very difficult for them to be.

The answer my friends is to practice more.
Take more holiday.
No, I'm not talking about becoming a teacher. I'm talking about every weekend, rather than saying you're looking forward to the weekend, can;t wait 'til the weekend la la laaa, just say, I can't wait 'til the holiday.

That's right.
Every weekend can be a holiday.

Got to get going now, I need to do a bit of washing before my holiday.

Etc.

Stock take at London Zoo

So.

They're doing a stock take at London Zoo.

Can someone please explain that to me. [impression of someone looking for cupboards/highly exasperated] Where's the Rhino, where's that Rhino, it says here there's on Rhino, where would a Rhino hide?

If I was a White Rhino where would I hide etc etc.
Now make it funny. Like Logan says, somethings neither funny or not funny is undeveloped.

And not funny.

And what's the purpose of doing a stock check?

What happens when they find they've only got 2 out of 3 of the Boa Constrictors?
Do they subtly put up LOST posters around the surrounding environs.

'LOST'

One very friendly and not at all alarming Boa Constrictor.
No need to panic at all.

Appearance. Long-ish.
Let's say 11ft.
Snakey looking.

Eats all sorts of things including small mammals.
So if you've recently lost your Jack Russell, be particularly vigilant.

Contact. Dave.
Not at London Zoo.
Not in any way working in the snake bit.

I just work on reception.

---

Maybe another idea is to actually just look in the surrounding neighbourhood for lost dog posters and post a 'Sorry' picture underneath and a photo fit of a boa constrictor with a dog shaped bulge in it.

---

anyhoo.

This needs some work.

But good first ramblings.

What does £2k get you at Great Ormond Street

So, they're building a new hear and lung wing over at Great Ormond Street Hospital which costs a fair few pennies but your kind donations are all going to help that cause.

At the moment the ward there is so cramped that there's really just enough room for the beds and the equipment. Once the new ward is built, kids will have room by the side of the beds which means doctors will be able to tend to them there and really importantly parents will be able to come and be beside them.

Also there's a new machine called an Ecmo which helps artificially keep their heart and lung going when they need a transplant and replaces something exceptionally scary sounding called a Berlin machine, which is you're going to have to be attached to a machine, doesn't sound like the sort of a machine you'd want to be attached to.

So that's where all your hard earned sheckles are going/went.

Thanks and gawd bless.

Matt x

DBD? Three 'jokes'.

So there I am in the pub minding my own business and nursing a pint and I hear in the background a noise, faint at first but getting ever louder.

It's a lonesome voice, questioning, pleading?

Dbd? Dbd? Dbd?

Then a small Asian man, who has got very close to me, unbuttons his big coat.
Dbd?

I'd read about this.
He's an illegal consonant seller.

Dbd?

But I wasn't short of D's. Or B's for that matter, so I let him go on his way.

---

I think Crimewatch should do a nationwide search for a missing person called Dbd.

Whoever they are, and I'm sensing it's a foreigner because it's not exactly an English name, they're sorely missed, and there's an army of people out there looking for them.

And maybe it would help if there was some sort of photo fit for them, because the people looking for them clearly have no idea what they look like.

The amount of times I've been minding my own business in a pub and someone's come up to me and a small Oriental man has approached me inquiring "Dbd?".

"Dbd?"

I shake my head.

He looks forlorn and moves on to the next table.

"Dbd?"

Will they ever find poor missing "Dbd"?

Come on guys let's get it on Crimewatch and let's make the difference.

(Baaaa-jshhh) Bhs joke.

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The weakest Dbd joke.

The first time I was in a pub and a small Asian man came in selling DVD's. I thought he was selling a jacket with great DVD storage capability.

Body language experts

If you're ever dealing with someone who's an expert - or even someone who's just read a book on - body language then it's fun to take advantage of them.

So, things happen in what's called gesture clusters. So for example when someone folds their arms it could mean they're being defensive, or it could mean they're cold.

But then. Breakthrough! If this gesture is combined with another like this one, (crossed legs)

** Maybe could get a chair from the audience for this 'un.

Then that may well be defensive positioning. That they're a bit uncomfortable. or that they think you're a cunt.

So if I'm ever in the company of someone who knows body language (it's a bit like 'knowing' Karate isn't it?)

[Japanese accent] You know body language?

If I'm ever in the company of such a person then I'll slip in a bit of this.

Just some weird shit.

Of course there's always the playground classic, too.

(slip the itching your face bird or coming your hair v's]

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When I'm saying all this stuff, is it really, really obvious that it started life with doing the bird and the v's and trying to think of some context or some story I could tell you just so I could do that on stage.

Because it's really obvious to me.

And the thing is, and I can GUARANTEE this based on actual statistical FACT, 34% sometimes rising to 38% of the people here today will actually use that before the week is out.

You will.

And think of me.