What does £2k get you at Great Ormond Street

So, they're building a new hear and lung wing over at Great Ormond Street Hospital which costs a fair few pennies but your kind donations are all going to help that cause.

At the moment the ward there is so cramped that there's really just enough room for the beds and the equipment. Once the new ward is built, kids will have room by the side of the beds which means doctors will be able to tend to them there and really importantly parents will be able to come and be beside them.

Also there's a new machine called an Ecmo which helps artificially keep their heart and lung going when they need a transplant and replaces something exceptionally scary sounding called a Berlin machine, which is you're going to have to be attached to a machine, doesn't sound like the sort of a machine you'd want to be attached to.

So that's where all your hard earned sheckles are going/went.

Thanks and gawd bless.

Matt x

DBD? Three 'jokes'.

So there I am in the pub minding my own business and nursing a pint and I hear in the background a noise, faint at first but getting ever louder.

It's a lonesome voice, questioning, pleading?

Dbd? Dbd? Dbd?

Then a small Asian man, who has got very close to me, unbuttons his big coat.
Dbd?

I'd read about this.
He's an illegal consonant seller.

Dbd?

But I wasn't short of D's. Or B's for that matter, so I let him go on his way.

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I think Crimewatch should do a nationwide search for a missing person called Dbd.

Whoever they are, and I'm sensing it's a foreigner because it's not exactly an English name, they're sorely missed, and there's an army of people out there looking for them.

And maybe it would help if there was some sort of photo fit for them, because the people looking for them clearly have no idea what they look like.

The amount of times I've been minding my own business in a pub and someone's come up to me and a small Oriental man has approached me inquiring "Dbd?".

"Dbd?"

I shake my head.

He looks forlorn and moves on to the next table.

"Dbd?"

Will they ever find poor missing "Dbd"?

Come on guys let's get it on Crimewatch and let's make the difference.

(Baaaa-jshhh) Bhs joke.

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The weakest Dbd joke.

The first time I was in a pub and a small Asian man came in selling DVD's. I thought he was selling a jacket with great DVD storage capability.

Body language experts

If you're ever dealing with someone who's an expert - or even someone who's just read a book on - body language then it's fun to take advantage of them.

So, things happen in what's called gesture clusters. So for example when someone folds their arms it could mean they're being defensive, or it could mean they're cold.

But then. Breakthrough! If this gesture is combined with another like this one, (crossed legs)

** Maybe could get a chair from the audience for this 'un.

Then that may well be defensive positioning. That they're a bit uncomfortable. or that they think you're a cunt.

So if I'm ever in the company of someone who knows body language (it's a bit like 'knowing' Karate isn't it?)

[Japanese accent] You know body language?

If I'm ever in the company of such a person then I'll slip in a bit of this.

Just some weird shit.

Of course there's always the playground classic, too.

(slip the itching your face bird or coming your hair v's]

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When I'm saying all this stuff, is it really, really obvious that it started life with doing the bird and the v's and trying to think of some context or some story I could tell you just so I could do that on stage.

Because it's really obvious to me.

And the thing is, and I can GUARANTEE this based on actual statistical FACT, 34% sometimes rising to 38% of the people here today will actually use that before the week is out.

You will.

And think of me.

Five minutes

So, I've been getting into running recently.

I told someone I was going to run a marathon and a got this response.

[acting out wide eyed - keep it long]

Really?

Which was encouraging I thought.

Similar response really to when I said to a couple of my friends that I was going to become a stand up comedian.

Same look.
Different person, but Exactly the same look.

That person then tentatively asked "Do you have a comic persona?"

My response was pretty much, "errrrrrrr. Me?"

I then got this response. (lips together, wide eyed).

Do you think I need a comic persona?

The slow nod. (act out)

Which was all very encouraging. Like the running.
People can be so helpful, you know really lift you up.

So, with the running I started off just running a bit here and there and then

And then I started running more and more, bigger distances. I appreciate I'm telling you this as if it's amazing information you'll never be able to grasp and I'm the first person who's ever gradually increased their running distance, and I apologise for that.

So as I'm building my distance I started telling more and more people about my running, which is pretty fucking annoying I know.

And I told someone and he said (adopt Fulham horsey snort).

"So, like, what are you running away from, man"

"I dunno. A really fat version of myself? Daytime TV? My house?

So, all of this running then culminates in me entering a half marathon. An actual race.

If this was blind date that would be the moment you went 'Ooh'.

[story about how running has made me addicted to applause and me chiding the non clapper].

Stop laughing

Before we get started I'd like to start with a disclaimer.

My biggest problem, as a comedian is that I am only able to make people laugh unintentionally.

And worse, when I want people to laugh, they won't.

So, if there's anything I say tonight that makes you laugh, it's pretty likely, very likely even, that I didn't mean to.

So if you're laughing and I'm looking cross, that's what 's happening.

This also applies to grins, smiles, smirk and even internal laughter which I'm also very adept at spotting, some of you are even doing it now, as well as actual laughter.

To anyone out there who is not laughing right now, and has no plans to laugh. that's good. Well done. This is a disclaimer and is not intended to be humorous in any way whatsoever.

ENDING:

(pull out whoopee cushion) Make a fart noise.

(depending on reaction) Some of you/you have passed the test.

Parma ham and melon

Do you ever wonder what it would have been like to go round for dinner at the guy's house who invented the Parma Ham and Melon starter before he invented Parma Ham and Melon.

Don't get me wrong, Parma Ham and Melon is an unlikely, yet somehow effective taste combination.

But what combos did he have to try out to get there?

Re-enactments

Heard a thing on the radio where this guy rang in to do a music quiz.
He said he was into re enactments.

Also said he worked in a factory making shoes for disabled people.

Was into rock music, predominantly.

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But also loved Erasure.

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Hmmmmm......

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Creates more questions than answers wouldn't you say?

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Could you ever take a decapitated human head to a re-enactment or would it be in bad taste?

What about a Viking re-enactment. Could you do a little bit of raping in the car park before you turned up to do the actual re-enactment which is mostly just pillaging?